This was an enjoyable poem! I particularly enjoyed lines II & III of the second stanza. (That could be because I'm a sucker for plays-on-words)..

I enjoyed the line breaks; they set the tone of the poem. Some-of-the-hyphens-added-good-effect-to-your-words!

As for my critique, since it's clear that you have a good handle on the English language, I'd like to see you write something with more vivid imagery that makes me feel like I just threw up my guts. You have some good ones (I especially liked the seizure bit), but none of the imagery seems to fit together. Otherwise, nice work on this!

um... can i trun this into a song, pleases. I love it so much, and i put a beet to it when i was readin it, and it sounded great

--
"Are you that hyper all day?"
"Um...yeah."
"Then WHY DON'T YOU SLEEP !"
"I don't know! Please don't hurt me!"

Peterick =

you can of course turn it into a song, i'm very impressed you have the skills to! I can never write songs.

Please let me know how you get on

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NYARK...NYARK...

thanks for the feedback! Yes, you're right, the images don't fit neatly and it's really bothering me. But I'm going to work hard on it

I'm a sucker for plays on words too, haha.

thanks again

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NYARK...NYARK...

my dad is a musican, so i kinda runs in my family, and i will keep you updated!

--
"Are you that hyper all day?"
"Um...yeah."
"Then WHY DON'T YOU SLEEP !"
"I don't know! Please don't hurt me!"

Peterick =

It's quite cool reading the above comment, because the one thing that stuck out about it most of all to me when reading it, was it sounded like song lyrics more than anything else.

--
Still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets.

Really like this, sweetie, it makes a lot of sense. There's so much crappy "he's got rainbows in his eyes and blood on his lips and I'm emo and wear black eyeliner" out there, which is cool, but this work has a lovely lucid quality which separates it from the rest of the rabble; until the shocking realism at the end.
The disjunction of your imagery (which is always freaking AWESOME) fits with the jarring end of the piece. If you wanted to break it down though, there are little bits that stick with your after you've read it - "our truth lies in butterfly-effect kisses, for
these cider-slick words mean the world and nothing
simultaneously" - amazing. Like the word play in your first stanza as well, it's a fantastic subtle reminder of our ever-growing dependence on booze!

If this is the product of your writer's block, then I can't wait to read what you write when you shift it.

Love you loads!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

--
_{There are a million in the Church tonight.}

really? I swear I wasn't aiming for that, but hey! I'm in the middle of editing it to make it all more trippy and have it end a bit better.

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NYARK...NYARK...

thankies for the feedback m'lovely!

I am really glad you liked the butterfly-effect kisses thing, that bit made me unsure for some reason...

I'm loving the poem-boom in your gallery at the moment btw, it's making me want to write all over again <3

lovelovelove!!! xxxxx

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NYARK...NYARK...